remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
