I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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