I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You are a genius and a whore.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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