I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's blow job season.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
