Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
