every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
