she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
