I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
