why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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