So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
