the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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