I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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