it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
