i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize