Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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