I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
