I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
