Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
