I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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