I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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