You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
