i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize