Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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