I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
