ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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