don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
