No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
