i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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