Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
