If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
