census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
