What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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