I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
