I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
