My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
