Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
