dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
