I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
