Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
