she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
