Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
