you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
