I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize