I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
