I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
