Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
