So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
