she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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