It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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