i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
