Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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