paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It was confusing and full of hummus
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
