community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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