Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
