Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
