i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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