She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
