in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
