I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
