I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
