When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
