How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
