i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
