Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
